How Do You Live as a Bar or Bat Mitzvah?
Studied with Parashat Toldot, where Esav trades away his birthright, Parashat Beha’alotcha, where Miriam learns the power of words, and Parashat Vayechi, where Yaakov blesses his children. Six short parts, each ending with a quick quiz and questions for reflection, then an FAQ and review questions. Part of our free B’nei Mitzvah self-study lessons.
Quick answer: Becoming bar or bat mitzvah means you are now responsible for keeping God’s commandments yourself (Pirkei Avot 5:21). You live it out in daily mitzvot from waking to bedtime, in guarding your tongue from lashon hara (Leviticus 19:16), and in following Yeshua as Mashiach, who leads us deeper into Torah (Matthew 5:17).
Studying on your own?
Read each part, take the quizzes, and answer the reflection questions and the review questions at the end. Have a question? Book a private guidance session with your Rabbi or Morah on Zoom by texting (469) 608-9944. See the fees.
What changes after your Bar or Bat Mitzvah?
The ceremony lasts one morning. Being B’nei Mitzvah lasts the rest of your life. The day after your ceremony, you wake up with the same family, the same school and the same friends, but now the mitzvot are yours to keep. This lesson is about what that looks like every day.
Who is this study for?
This study is for students getting ready for Bar or Bat Mitzvah, for adults preparing for a ceremony, and for their families. It is also a good review for anyone who wants to grow in keeping the mitzvot. Each part ends with a quick quiz and questions for personal reflection or to talk over with your family.
| Part | Question | Main texts |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | What changes at Bar or Bat Mitzvah? | Pirkei Avot 5:21; Genesis 25:29–34 |
| 2 | What mitzvot fill a Jewish day? | Deuteronomy 6:4–9, 8:10; Exodus 20:12 |
| 3 | Why guard your tongue? | Numbers 12; Leviticus 19:16; Psalm 34:12–13 |
| 4 | Who is Yeshua to us? | Genesis 49:10, 50:20; Matthew 5:17 |
| 5 | What does our Statement of Faith say? | Rambam’s Thirteen Principles |
| 6 | How do you keep going? | Proverbs 24:16; Genesis 48:20 |
What changes when you become Bar or Bat Mitzvah?
Quick answer: You become responsible for keeping the mitzvot yourself. Like Esav’s birthright, your Jewish birthright is kept, or traded away, in small daily choices.
The Mishnah says, “At thirteen, the commandments” (Pirkei Avot 5:21). A boy at 13 becomes responsible for keeping God’s commandments himself, and Jewish tradition counts a girl as ready at 12 (Mishnah Niddah 5:6). Until now, your parents carried that responsibility for you. From your bar or bat mitzvah on, the choices are yours.
A lesson from Esav. In Parashat Toldot, Esav comes home hungry and trades his birthright, the special blessing and duty of the firstborn, for a bowl of lentil stew. The Torah sums it up in five words: “thus Esau despised his birthright” (Genesis 25:34). Esav did not lose his birthright in one big battle. He gave it away in one small moment, because something else mattered more to him right then.
Your Jewish birthright works the same way. Most days it is not tested by big dramatic choices. It is kept, or traded away, in small ones: whether you say the Shema at bedtime, whether you bless your food, whether you join in that gossip.
Big things grow from small things. The sages teach, “Be as careful with a light mitzvah as with a weighty one, for you do not know the reward of each” (Pirkei Avot 2:1), and “one mitzvah leads to another mitzvah, and one sin leads to another sin” (Pirkei Avot 4:2).
Quick quiz: Part 1
Pick the best answer for each question. You will see right away if you got it right, and your score when you have answered them all. To try again, press Start over.
Your answers and score are saved on this device only, so they will be here when you come back. Press Start over to clear them.
Reflection
- What is a “bowl of stew” in your life, something small that could pull you away from what really matters?
- Which small mitzvah do you want to make a daily habit starting now?
What mitzvot fill a Jewish day?
Quick answer: From Modeh Ani when you wake up to the Shema at bedtime, with prayer, blessings over food, honoring parents, kind speech and Torah study in between.
A Jewish day is full of mitzvot from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep. You don’t have to do everything at once. Start with a few and add more as they become habits.
| When | Mitzvah | Where it comes from |
|---|---|---|
| Waking up | Modeh Ani: “I thank You, living and eternal King, for You have returned my soul to me.” Then wash your hands (netilat yadayim). | The siddur; Lamentations 3:23, “They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.” |
| Morning | Morning prayers and the Shema. Boys and men put on tefillin on weekdays and wear tzitzit. | Deuteronomy 6:4–9; Numbers 15:37–41 |
| Meals | A blessing before eating, and Birkat HaMazon (grace after meals) after a meal with bread. | “When thou hast eaten and art full, then thou shalt bless Hashem thy God” (Deuteronomy 8:10) |
| All day | Honor your parents, eat kosher, speak kindly, give tzedakah, and dress with tzniut. | Exodus 20:12; Leviticus 11; Leviticus 19:16 |
| Some time every day | Learn some Torah, even a few verses or the weekly portion. | “Thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children… when thou sittest in thine house” (Deuteronomy 6:7) |
| Bedtime | The bedtime Shema, asking God to watch over you as you sleep. | “when thou liest down, and when thou risest up” (Deuteronomy 6:7) |
The mezuzah reminds you. Every time you walk through a doorway with a mezuzah, you pass the same Shema that is inside tefillin (Deuteronomy 6:9). Many people touch it and kiss their fingers.
Week and year. Beyond the daily mitzvot, a B’nei Mitzvah keeps Shabbat every week and the biblical feasts through the year. Our Shabbat, kashrut and calendar lessons go deeper.
Quick quiz: Part 2
Pick the best answer for each question. You will see right away if you got it right, and your score when you have answered them all. To try again, press Start over.
Your answers and score are saved on this device only, so they will be here when you come back. Press Start over to clear them.
Reflection
- Look at the table. Which of these mitzvot do you already do every day? Which one will you add next?
- Why do you think so many Jewish mitzvot are tied to ordinary moments like waking up and eating?
Why does the Torah tell us to guard our tongue?
Quick answer: Because words can destroy. Miriam was punished for speaking against Moshe, and the sages teach that lashon hara harms the speaker, the listener and the one spoken about.
In Parashat Beha’alotcha, Miriam and Aharon speak against their brother Moshe (Numbers 12:1). God is angry, and Miriam is struck with tzara’at, a skin disease, and must stay outside the camp for seven days (12:10, 15). Miriam was a prophetess who led Israel in song at the sea. If even she was punished for speaking against someone, our words matter a great deal.
What is lashon hara? Lashon hara means “evil tongue.” Jewish law names three kinds of harmful speech:
| Name | What it is | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Lashon hara | Saying something negative about a person, even if it is true. | “Did you see how badly she did on the test?” |
| Motzi shem ra | Saying something negative that is false. This is even worse. | Making up a rumor about someone. |
| Rechilut | Telling someone what another person said about them, stirring up trouble. | “Guess what he said about you…” |
The Torah says, “Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people” (Leviticus 19:16). The Talmud teaches that lashon hara harms three people: the one who speaks it, the one who listens, and the one it is about (Arakhin 15b). In the 1800s, Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan wrote a whole book on this mitzvah. It was called Chafetz Chaim, “He who desires life,” from Psalm 34: “What man is he that desireth life… Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile” (Psalm 34:12–13).
Yeshua and his followers taught the same. Yeshua said, “every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment” (Matthew 12:36). Yaakov (James) wrote, “the tongue is a little member… Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!” (James 3:5).
Screens count too. A text, a post or a group-chat message is speech. Before you send, ask: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it needed?
When you must speak. If someone is in danger or being hurt, telling a parent, teacher or rabbi to protect them is not lashon hara. It is the right thing to do.
Quick quiz: Part 3
Pick the best answer for each question. You will see right away if you got it right, and your score when you have answered them all. To try again, press Start over.
Your answers and score are saved on this device only, so they will be here when you come back. Press Start over to clear them.
Reflection
- Before you send a message, ask: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it needed? Think of a message you sent this week. Would it pass?
- How can you change the subject when friends start talking about someone who isn’t there?
- Why do you think the listener is also harmed by lashon hara?
Who is Yeshua to us?
Quick answer: Yeshua is the promised Mashiach of Israel, the Son of David and Son of God sent by the Father. He came first like Mashiach ben Yosef and will return as Mashiach ben David, and following him leads us deeper into Torah.
We believe Yeshua of Nazareth is the promised Mashiach of Israel: the Son of David, the Son of God, sent by the Father. Following him does not take us away from Torah. It leads us deeper into it. Yeshua said, “Think not that I am come to destroy the Torah, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil” (Matthew 5:17).
The scepter of Judah. In Parashat Vayechi, Yaakov blesses his sons before he dies. To Yehudah he says, “The sceptre shall not depart from Judah, nor a lawgiver from between his feet, until Shiloh come; and unto him shall the gathering of the people be” (Genesis 49:10). Jewish tradition has long read “Shiloh” as a name for the Mashiach (Sanhedrin 98b).
Mashiach ben Yosef and Mashiach ben David. Jewish tradition speaks of two pictures of Mashiach. Mashiach ben Yosef is killed, and Israel mourns for him (Sukkah 52a, quoting Zechariah 12:10, “they shall look upon me whom they have pierced”). Mashiach ben David reigns as king, gathers Israel and rebuilds. We believe Yeshua came first like Yosef and will return as the Son of David.
Yosef’s story in Vayechi shows the pattern. His brothers rejected him and sold him, he was hidden among the nations in Egypt, and in the end he was revealed to them and saved them. He told his brothers, “ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good… to save much people alive” (Genesis 50:20).
Torah and Mashiach together. The book of Revelation describes God’s faithful people this way: “here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Yeshua” (Revelation 14:12). Both, not one or the other. That is the life of a B’nei Mitzvah at Benei Avraham.
Quick quiz: Part 4
Pick the best answer for each question. You will see right away if you got it right, and your score when you have answered them all. To try again, press Start over.
Your answers and score are saved on this device only, so they will be here when you come back. Press Start over to clear them.
Reflection
- How is Yosef’s story like the story of Mashiach?
- Why do you think it matters that following Yeshua leads us deeper into Torah, not away from it?
- What question would you like to ask about Mashiach? Bring it to your parents or to a guidance session.
What does the Benei Avraham Statement of Faith say?
Quick answer: It follows the Rambam’s Thirteen Principles of Jewish faith and shows how faith in Yeshua as Mashiach fits within them, with the Torah as our foundation.
Our Statement of Faith follows the Rambam’s Thirteen Principles, one of the clearest summaries of Jewish belief for the last 800 years, and shows how faith in Yeshua as Mashiach fits within them. Here is a short version. Read the full statement with your parents.
| # | We believe… | In a sentence |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | In the existence of the Creator | Hashem made everything; the world is not an accident (Genesis 1:1). |
| 2 | That Hashem is One | We say the Shema. Yeshua is the Mashiach, the Son of God sent by the Father, and not Hashem Himself. |
| 3 | That Hashem has no body and cannot be pictured | No image can contain God (Deuteronomy 4:15–16). |
| 4 | That Hashem is eternal | He has no beginning and no end (Psalm 90:2). |
| 5 | That Hashem alone is worthy of worship | We pray to the Father, as Yeshua taught (Matthew 6:9), and honor Yeshua as the King He appointed. |
| 6 | In prophecy | God spoke through the prophets, and every later claim must be tested by Torah (Isaiah 8:20). |
| 7 | That Moshe was the greatest prophet | No later teaching can replace the Torah given through Moshe (Deuteronomy 34:10). |
| 8 | That the Torah is from Heaven | Torah first, then the Prophets and Writings, then the Brit Hadashah as witness to Mashiach. |
| 9 | That the Torah will not be replaced | The New Covenant writes Torah on the heart (Jeremiah 31:33). We reject replacement theology. |
| 10 | That Hashem knows every thought and deed | Nothing is hidden from Him (Psalm 139:1–4). |
| 11 | That Hashem rewards and judges | He is just and merciful and calls us to teshuvah (Deuteronomy 30:19). |
| 12 | In the coming of Mashiach | Yeshua came first like Mashiach ben Yosef and will return as Mashiach ben David. |
| 13 | In the resurrection of the dead | Death is like sleep, and Hashem will raise the dead (Daniel 12:2). |
Our calling in one line. The statement ends with seven words: Torah, Messiah, Israel, community, holiness, resurrection, and the Kingdom of Hashem.
Quick quiz: Part 5
Pick the best answer for each question. You will see right away if you got it right, and your score when you have answered them all. To try again, press Start over.
Your answers and score are saved on this device only, so they will be here when you come back. Press Start over to clear them.
Reflection
- Which of the Thirteen Principles is easiest for you to believe? Which one do you have questions about?
- Read one full section of the Statement of Faith with a parent. What did you learn?
How do you keep going when it’s hard?
Quick answer: Get up again when you fall (teshuvah), let your parents bless you, and keep going with a study partner, a community and one mitzvah at a time.
Nobody keeps every mitzvah perfectly. What matters is that you keep going. “For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again” (Proverbs 24:16). Getting up again is called teshuvah, returning to God.
Blessed by your parents. At the end of Parashat Vayechi, Yaakov blesses Yosef’s sons: “In thee shall Israel bless, saying, God make thee as Ephraim and as Manasseh” (Genesis 48:20). To this day, Jewish parents bless their sons with these words every Friday night, and bless their daughters to be like Sarah, Rivkah, Rachel and Leah. Ephraim and Menashe grew up in Egypt, far from the Land, yet they stayed faithful. That is the blessing for every Jewish child.
Tools that help you keep going.
- A study partner. Learning with a chavruta (a study partner) keeps you going on days you don’t feel like it.
- A community. Come to Shabbat services and stay connected to people who keep the mitzvot with you.
- One step at a time. Add one mitzvah, make it a habit, then add the next (Pirkei Avot 4:2).
- Questions are welcome. Bring your questions to your parents, or to a guidance session with your Rabbi or Morah.
Quick quiz: Part 6
Pick the best answer for each question. You will see right away if you got it right, and your score when you have answered them all. To try again, press Start over.
Your answers and score are saved on this device only, so they will be here when you come back. Press Start over to clear them.
Reflection
- What will you do the first time you miss a mitzvah you meant to keep?
- Who could be your study partner?
- Ask your parents to bless you this Friday night with the blessing from Genesis 48:20. How did it feel?
Frequently asked questions
What does it mean to be B’nei Mitzvah?
B’nei mitzvah means “children of the commandment.” A boy at 13 (Pirkei Avot 5:21) and a girl at 12 (Mishnah Niddah 5:6) become responsible for keeping God’s commandments themselves.
Do I have to keep every mitzvah right away?
You are responsible for the mitzvot from your bar or bat mitzvah on, but growing in them takes time. Build habits one at a time, and when you fall, get up again (Proverbs 24:16).
What is lashon hara?
Lashon hara means “evil tongue.” It is saying something negative about another person, even if it is true. Saying something false is even worse (motzi shem ra). The Torah forbids it in Leviticus 19:16.
Is it lashon hara to tell an adult that someone is being hurt?
No. Speaking up to protect someone from harm is not lashon hara. Tell a parent, teacher or rabbi.
Does believing in Yeshua mean leaving the Torah?
No. Yeshua said he came not to destroy the Torah but to fulfil it (Matthew 5:17). At Benei Avraham, faith in Yeshua as Mashiach leads us deeper into Torah.
Where can I read the full Statement of Faith?
On our Statement of Faith page. It is based on the Rambam’s Thirteen Principles from a Messianic Jewish perspective.
Review questions
After working through this study, you should be able to explain what it means to live as B’nei Mitzvah, in your own words. These questions will help.
- What did Esav’s choice in Genesis 25 teach about small decisions?
- Name four mitzvot you can keep every day, and when you do each one.
- What are lashon hara, motzi shem ra and rechilut?
- How is Yosef’s story a picture of Mashiach?
- Name three of the Rambam’s Thirteen Principles in our Statement of Faith.
Your Bar or Bat Mitzvah is not a graduation. It is the first day of keeping the mitzvot as your own.
Sources
- Benei Avraham Statement of Faith: based on the Rambam’s Thirteen Principles from a Messianic Jewish perspective
- Torah texts: Genesis 25:29–34, 48:20, 49:10, 50:20; Numbers 12; Leviticus 19:16; Deuteronomy 6:4–9, 8:10 (look up on Sefaria)
- Writings: Psalm 34:12–13; Proverbs 24:16; Lamentations 3:23
- Brit Hadashah: Matthew 5:17, 12:36; James 3:5; Revelation 14:12
- Classical texts (look up on Sefaria): Pirkei Avot 2:1, 4:2, 5:21; Mishnah Niddah 5:6; Talmud Arakhin 15b, Sukkah 52a, Sanhedrin 98b (“Shiloh is his name”); Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan, Chafetz Chaim
- Wikipedia, “Lashon hara”: Lashon hara
Scripture quotations follow the King James Version, with Hashem for the Divine Name (LORD), Hebrew names such as Shaul (Paul), and Yeshua for Jesus. Rabbinic sources are given in short translation or paraphrase. Part of the Bar & Bat Mitzvah training at Benei Avraham; see our Statement of Faith.